


Watch Out, Witcher Online - Twitter Fic

by pantalaimon



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Monster Hunters, Celebrity Jaskier, Comedy, Crack, Geralt is still a monster hunter, Modern AU, Monster Hunters, Monster of the Week, Motorcycles, Musician Jaskier, No I don't take constructive criticism, Nonbinary Jaskier, Other, Road Trips, Sainsburys, Twitter, Twitter Fic, but now they tweet about it, celebrity yennefer, geralt is on the cusp of being technologically illiterate, i tried to take monsters from both the games and the show sue me, jaskier plays the trumpet in a ska band, monster of the week au, musician au, yes that's a tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:42:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27600203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pantalaimon/pseuds/pantalaimon
Summary: Should the gang have unrestricted access to Twitter? Maybe not. Is that going to stop them? ABSOLUTELY not.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 19
Kudos: 75





	1. Banjo-Ska Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in a sort of magical/modern AU, similar to Monster of the Week. Geralt is still a monster hunter for hire, and Jaskier is still a bard, but now Geralt takes jobs through the internet and Jaskier is a world-famous musician. He plays the trumpet in this AU and occasionally plays with the Sorceresses Lodge, an all-girl ska band of which Yennefer is a member.

[profile photo: a side profile of Jaskier’s face, with floral scenery behind him. It looks to be a screenshot of an album cover.]

 **Dandelion is My Stage Name ;)**  
@jaskier_official  
1.2M followers

World’s most fashionable trumpet player. Professional hype man for @GeraltofRivia. Occasionally plays for @SorceressesLodge. LG(BT), Leo, He/They  
Location: walking next to Roach :/

[profile photo: the hilt of Geralt’s sword with Renfri’s brooch attached. Roach can just barely be seen in the background]

 **Geralt**  
@GeraltofRivia  
27.3k followers

Witcher. For Hire. Rep’d by @jaskier_official. He/him.  
Location: none of your business

[profile photo: a close crop of Yennefer’s purple eye, with black makeup and a bit of dark hair in the corner.]

 **~the bitch in charge~**  
@Yennefer_V  
578k followers

@SorceressesLodge leading lady | magical girl | she/her | pro-choice | unafraid to block you  
Location: Aedirn

[photo: a selfie of a smiling Jaskier in the corner, while the majority of the photo is taken up by a filthy and scowling Geralt.]

@jaskier_official: Another monster down, about 3 million more to go! Who here thinks Geralt needs a shower?  
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>@Yennefer_V: I can smell him from here. #ItsNotTheOnion  
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>>@GeraltofRivia: Yen, please.

@jaskier_official: I swear if one more person tries to tell me that ska is bad I will personally send the entire @SorceressesLodge band after them, and I don’t think that will end well for anyone…

@GeraltofRivia: Where is a good place to buy a trumpet… may have accidentally used Jaskier’s to kill a graevir.  
|  
>@jaskier_official: you WHAT  
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>>@GeraltofRivia: fuck

@jaskier_official: sadly trumpetless thanks to SOMEONE… what instrument should I learn until my new trumpet arrives???  
-Ukulele… 17%  
-Harmonica… 23%  
-Banjo… 54%  
-Electric Kazoo… 6%  
|  
>@jaskier_official: y’all… really want me to play the banjo huh  
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>>@jaskier_official: interesting… I might just have to release a banjo solo album sometime this year… make you all regret your choices… 

@jaskier_official: okay listen up!! I’m gonna make Geralt do a Witcher Q&A, so that means you have to send some Witching related questions my way #QsforGeralt  
|  
>@jaskier_official: …….please, send monster hunting questions, if I have to scroll through any more variations of “why are you so fit” I’m gonna lose my MIND  
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>>@jaskier_official: WE ALL KNOW GERALT IS FIT, NEXT  
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>>>@GeraltofRivia: JASKIER  
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>>>>@jaskier_official: WHAT

@GeraltofRivia: Q: how many Roaches have there been, and which Roach is the best? A: Irrelevant, and all of them.  
|  
>@GeraltofRivia: Q: is the silver thing with monsters even true? A: Of course, I’m not just going to stab them with a regular sword.  
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>>@GeraltofRivia: Q: are you going to make Jaskier walk next to you forever? :( A: Yes, unless he wants to get his own horse.  
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>>>@jaskier_official: >:(

@SorceressesLodge: We’ve been getting a lot of questions about banjo-ska??? @jaskier_official do you have anything to do with this  
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>@jaskier_official: listen I didn’t think people were going to care so much about a banjo album  
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>>@SorceressesLodge: I mean we’re absolutely down  
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>>>@jaskier_official: GREAT I HAVE 6 SONGS WRITTEN

@GeraltofRivia: Killed a kikimora today and the town paid double. Maybe this area of the country isn’t as stingy as I thought it would be.  
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>@jaskier_official: now THAT’S how you #TossACoinToYourWitcher

@Yennefer_V: I’m listening to @jaskier_official’s banjo demo tapes and… I’m kind of excited about this album  
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>@jaskier_official: you make it sound like you expected it to be bad  
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>>@Yennefer_V: banjo-ska is an uphill battle you have to know this  
|  
>>>@jaskier_official: you might be right… 

[photo: A window looks into a recording studio, Jaskier stands in front of a microphone, one hand holding a banjo and the other hand placed on his headphones. He looks at someone off camera, intently listening.]

@GeraltofRivia: Sitting outside and waiting for @jaskier_official to finish recording… I’d rather take that devourer someone sent me a blurry picture of.  
|  
>@Yennefer_V: people are tweeting you monsters now??  
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>>@GeraltofRivia: Unfortunately, yes. 

[photo: An open instrument case, with a shiny brand new trumpet laying inside]

@jaskier_official: Good news! New trumpet arrived right after we finished recording. It’s back to good old Trumpet Time until the banjo album is released ;)

@SorceressesLodge: 2 weeks.  
|  
>@jaskier_official: :eyes emoji:  
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>>@SorceressesLodge: :banjo emoji:  
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>>>@GeraltofRivia: And people call me a man of few words.


	2. Roach 2.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The banjo-ska album is out!! Jaskier and the Sorceresses deal with the aftermath, and Geralt gets a new mode of transportation...

@jaskier_official: Critics are calling it “a hot mess” and “completely unnecessary”. Stream the new album “Banjo-esque” TODAY!!! #banjoesque  
|  
>@SorceressesLodge: to be fair, some of the reviews called it “interesting”  
|  
>>@GeraltofRivia: That’s one word for it.

@Yennever_V: wait a minute, you’re telling me that @GeraltofRivia rides a horse everywhere he goes when there’s like… cars and trains and things like that?  
|  
>@jaskier_official: he says it’s the “witcher way” smh, I’m trying to convince him to get a bike at LEAST

@GeraltofRivia: #QsforGeralt Q: do you know how to drive? A: Technically, no. Legally, also no.  
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>@GeraltofRivia: Q: would you ever get a car? A: Roach can take me everywhere I need to go.  
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>>@GeraltofRivia: Q: what do you do when there’s a monster in the middle of a city, do you still ride Roach there? A: Monsters tend to stay in rural areas.  
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>>>@GeraltofRivia: Why are there so many questions about me driving?

@jaskier_official: just had someone link me a monster sighting, but I think it might be a liiiitle too far away for horseback… :eyes emoji: @GeraltofRivia what do you think?  
|  
>@GeraltofRivia: Hmmm… fuck. 

@Yennefer_V: No I’m not a mom. Yes I am a mother figure. #weexist

@SorceressesLodge: is this going to be one of those situations where the critics Hate the album but every regular person that listens to it goes absolutely feral for it…? #banjoesque  
|  
>@jaskier_official: I mean,,, I’ve already seen some banjo covers on youtube, so…

[photo: Geralt is standing in the distance talking to another man. In the foreground is a shiny black and chrome motorcycle with a SOLD tag on it. Jaskier’s hand sticks into the frame on the left in a thumbs up.]

@jaskier_official: WE DID IT FOLKS!!! We finally convinced @GeraltofRivia to get an actual modern mode of transportation. It even has a second seat for me :blushing emoji:  
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>@GeraltofRivia: For everyone concerned, no I did not get rid of Roach. She’s still my preferred method of transportation, but some jobs require a bit more speed.  
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>>@Yennefer_V: how many attempts did it take to get a license? >:)  
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>>>@jaskier_official: THREE >:)

[photo: the front half of a motorcycle from the point of view of the rider. Geralt’s lower legs can be seen, as well as his left hand gripping the handlebars.]

@GeraltofRivia: Everyone say hello to Roach.  
|  
>@jaskier_official: WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT. STOP. you named the motorcycle Roach too???  
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>>@GeraltofRivia: Yes?  
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>>>@jaskier_official: DOES THAT NOT GET CONFUSING?? IS ALIVE ROACH NOT OFFENDED BY THAT??  
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>>>>@GeraltofRivia: I know which Roach is which. And Roach is fine, I introduced them yesterday.  
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>>>>>@jaskier_official: good lord

@jaskier_official: thank you all for the lovely support for #banjoesque!! I’d love to grant your requests of “MORE, MORE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MORE” but the good ol’ trumpet’s been calling my name…  
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>@GeraltofRivia: So that’s what the trumpet’s been doing. I thought I heard some ungodly noises coming from your practice room.  
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>>@jaskier_official: now look here GERALT

[photo: an image of Geralt and Jaskier on the motorcycle Roach. Geralt sits with his hands on the handlebars and one leg bracing against the ground. Jaskier sits behind him with his arms around Geralt’s waist and a helmet on. Geralt looks annoyed and Jaskier looks absolutely gleeful.]

@jaskier_official: We’re off to monster hunt again! I feel like a fucking school girl sitting on the back of this thing!!  
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>@GeraltofRivia: That doesn’t mean you need to scream like one whenever we go around a corner.  
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>>@jaskier_official: YOU GO TOO FAST AND YOU KNOW THIS GERALT  
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>>>@Yennefer_V: I’ll be sure to show up to your funerals, you two


	3. ROAD TRIP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Geralt and Jaskier take the motorcycle Roach for a longer trip, and end up encountering a monster much sooner than they thought they would!

@jaskier_official: I’ve decided I’m calling this the #WitcherRoadTrip, I’ll keep y’all updated with as many pics as Geralt allows me to take ;)  
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>@GeraltofRivia: Jaskier we’re not even going that far.  
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>>@jaskier_official: LET ME HAVE MY FUN IT’S A ROAD TRIP IF I WANT IT TO BE

[photo: a blurry selfie of Jaskier as he stands in front of a particularly large tree. He’s smiling like a child.]

@jaskier_official: First stop on the sightseeing tour!! #WitcherRoadTrip  
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>@GeraltofRivia: I just had to pull over and piss, calm down Jaskier.  
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>>@jaskier_official: OKAY SURE ANNOUNCE THAT TO EVERYONE ON TWITTER

@SorceressesLodge: hey @jaskier_official we need to know… have you named the banjo yet? #banjoesque  
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>@jaskier_official: I was thinking Carmilla… thoughts?  
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>>@SorceressesLodge: well Fringilla loves it already   
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>>>@jaskier_official: SHE CAN BE GODMOTHER

[video: Jaskier stands next to a fence bordering a field. He looks back at Geralt and says “you ready?” Geralt replies with “yes, go”. Jaskier turns back to the field and raises his trumpet. He starts playing a slow bright melody, and eventually some cows start lumbering up towards the fence, drawn by the music. Jaskier puts the trumpet down and looks back at the camera to laugh. A fond “hmmm” can be heard from Geralt.]

@GeraltofRivia: Jaskier has found the cows. #WitcherRoadTrip  
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>@jaskier_official: QUITE A LOVELY AUDIENCE I MUST SAY  
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>>@Yennefer_V: cows!!  
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>>>@jaskier_official: COWS!!

@jaskier_official: we were meant to have lunch on the road, but Geralt forgot to pack the food I had out on the counter :eye roll emoji:  
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>@jaskier_official: UPDATE WE’RE STOPPING AT SAINSBURY’S FOR SNACKS #WitcherRoadTrip  
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>>@Yennefer_V: jaskier did you leave the food at home on purpose specifically so you could eat snacks for lunch  
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>>>@jaskier_official: HOW DARE YOU MAKE SUCH AN ACCUSATION

[photo: a blurry image of Geralt and Jaskier getting off the motorcycle and heading into the shop]

@that_username_girl: oh my gOD I can’t believe that @jaskier_official and @GeraltofRivia are at my sainsburys right now what the fUCK

@jaskier_official: oh wow I think the manager is coming out to say hi to us? I didn’t think I was at THAT level of famous yet…  
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>@jaskier_official: OH GOD OH NO THERE’S A MONSTER IN THE SAINSBURYS THAT’S WHY THEY WANTED TO TALK TO GERALT OH DEAR  
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>>@Yennefer_V: you guys can’t catch a break huh  
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>>>@jaskier_official: APPARENTLY FUCKING NOT

[photo: a large hole has been torn out of the back wall of the Sainsbury’s, Geralt walks toward it with his back to Jaskier’s camera, gripping his sword. The tail of something can be seen out in the parking lot.]

@jaskier_official: I will be of no use here so I’m gonna find some crisps or whatever  
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>@Yennefer_V: YOU’RE NOT GOING TO HELP HIM??  
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>>@jaskier_official: WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE IM GOING TO DO, TRUMPET THE MONSTER TO DEATH???  
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>>>@Yennefer_V: IT WORKED LAST TIME  
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>>>>@jaskier_official: oh my god you’re right

[photo: Geralt holding up the leg of a monster like he is taking a white boy fish selfie.]

@GeraltofRivia: Killed this wretch in the parking lot of Sainsburys. Didn’t need help from Jaskier trumpeting in my ear, but he did it anyway. #WitcherRoadTrip  
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>@jaskier_official: I was providing the battle music!!! Of all the ungrateful…  
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>>@SorceressesLodge: next time whip out the banjo and the monster will be dead before Geralt draws his sword lmao


End file.
